Four Things We Should Teach Our Children -- Proverbs 22:6

Proverbs 22:6


"Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it."

I’m a special ed teacher at an elementary school. Most of my students have difficulty with social interactions. They don’t get social cues; they don’t understand subtlety, humor, and sarcasm (though they often try to use it); and they don’t know what to do when they hurt someone. Frankly, though, those kinds of difficulties in dealing in society seem to be far more pervasive than simply with students in special education. More and more kids (and adults) seem lost when trying to navigate civilly. To put it bluntly, we are creating an uncivil world and it doesn’t have to be that way. It is possible for children to interact civilly if we take time to teach them.

Recently, my class was working on a word processing project. We were near the end of the project with many hours already put in with the processes of writing and editing. One of my students, whose parents have told me that he has a great deal of difficulty making friends, thought it would be funny to reach over and punch a few keys on a fellow student’s computer. The result wasn’t nearly as funny as he had anticipated. It was, in fact, immediately disastrous. It caused that other student’s work to entirely disappear from the screen! Fortunately, the file had recently been saved and I was able to retrieve it for the student. But it wasn’t even the initial act that so distressed me. It was that the student who caused the chaos thought that even the missing file was funny and refused to apologize (and apologize profusely) for the distress he had caused.

Pain is funny. Distress is funny. We see it every day in the media. Many of our comedy shows and movies are based on pain and distress. But we know that, in real life, pain is never funny. Distress is never funny.

This morning I was reading on the Internet about a student who was recently expelled for pulling a knife on a another student and saying, "Snitches get stitches." The incident so intimidated the student that she was out of school for almost two weeks in fear of returning. The mother of the perpetrator had these things to say: "He’s not a dangerous child. He’s a good kid. Boys will be boys. He did everything they said, but he’s not malicious. They’re kids. Kids say dumb things. But does it mean my son is bad? He’s not." And she continued to assert that he shouldn’t have been expelled for his behavior.

Pain is belittled. Distress is belittled. The mom was more concerned about trying to defend her son and make everything think that he was an okay kid. He may have been. But the fact is that he used a weapon against another student and threatened her. That’s a serious issue that shouldn’t be belittled. Where was her concern about her son’s extremely antisocial behavior? If he was willing to use a knife to threaten a little girl—and he likely did it because he thought it was funny—then what might he do when he’s 12? 16? 20? Would he continue to use weapons as a method of amusement?

Recently our country has become even more aware of the racial inequities between police practice and racial minorities. There is a strong truth in DWB (driving while black) or WWB (walking while black) in that young black men are accosted—often for no reason—far more often by police officers than any other group in society. There’s something very wrong with that practice! That being said, there is also a widespread growing antagonism toward authority and a feeling among all groups that it’s okay to violate laws and civil constraints if one wants to. This isn’t restricted to just one group, but rather is becoming an almost pervasive feeling in America.
"Whatever they should do, people don't obey laws they strongly oppose. . . . And I think that each of us has both a right and a duty to undermine laws that intrude on our rights and oppress our freedom." (http://www.tuccille.com/blog/2008/03/should-we-obey-law.html)


This is an interesting and thoughtful essay and I would encourage everyone to read it; however, I believe there are two flaws in this way of thinking. First, it pre-supposes that everyone possesses a morality or personal moral code that would produce a healthy society. Secondly, it assumes that people would embrace that moral code in all situations, rather than reverting to their own indulgences.

The fact is, we as a society are in trouble. We are most in trouble because we have come to believe that, at the core, people are good. As Christians, we should know (and should base our decisions upon the fact) that we aren’t good at all; we are, in fact, desperately wicked: "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked" (Jeremiah 17:9 NKJV). The connotation in the Hebrew is that there is not even a cure for this wickedness. While we are born innocent (unable to see that we are in need of salvation), we are not born good. We need the Lord’s mercy and forgiveness, we need His righteousness put upon us, in order to be good. But we aren’t born good. Not one of us!

As Christians we should be well aware of that fact, not only because it says so in God’s Word (and that should be enough), but because we know it in our hearts! We know our own heart and we know how desperately wicked we can be and are when we act apart from the Holy Spirit. So it shouldn’t take anything for us to know that our society, without the morality of God, is going literally to hell.

It is happening to our children . . . and it is happening to them because we are failing to teach them how to embrace morality. Even many children growing up in Christian homes are losing their way! And as a teacher in a public school, I see at least four things we need to stop doing in order to help our children.

(1) We need to stop "teaching" them that jokes that hurt others are funny.

Jokes that hurt others isn’t a new phenomena nor is it an isolated incident. P. Valerie Dauphin, a student at Penn State, did a study on sarcasm in social situations. She began by defining sarcasm:

"Sarcasm is a large component of social interaction and conversation. To demonstrate a sense of humor, people frequently use sarcasm as a means of ‘breaking the ice’ during initial encounters with others. People also use sarcasm as a means of being comedic with groups of friends. They say something contrary to what they feel and/or believe for the purpose of being funny. Sarcasm, in these instances, seems harmless and playful. But is it really? Too much sarcasm is annoying and hurtful, but can even a minimal amount be too much?"

She then went on to analyze her study:

"It is interesting to note that every male, except one, viewed sarcasm as lighthearted humor, whereas the females were divided on the issue. Males expressed more tolerance of this type of verbal aggression. It is also interesting to note that they did not view sarcasm as a form of aggression. Their approval is apparent in their responses to question 3 in the survey. None of them viewed sarcasm as a negative thing. Another interesting thing is while four females thought females make more sarcastic remarks than males, no male thought similarly. In addition, a majority of the males said they are sarcastic most of the time while a majority of the females said they are rarely sarcastic. These two findings support the statement that sarcasm is a male-dominated form of communication." (http://ccat.sas.upenn.edu/plc/communication/valerie.htm)

Dauphin characterizes sarcasm as "verbal aggression" and yet in the results of her study, none of the males viewed sarcasm as a negative thing. Now of course this study is nowhere definitive, but I believe there is validity in saying that it is at least representative of the views of many people in our society who embrace hurtful humor as valid communication and social interaction.

We have taught our children that hurting someone else can be funny. But what does scripture say?

"Whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things. The things which you learned and received and heard and saw in me, these do, and the God of peace will be with you" (Philippians 4:8-9 NKJV). Is it noble to make fun of someone else? Is it just to laugh at their expense? Of course not! And we need to teach our children that "all those jokes" need to be gone from our lives, from our conversation, from even our thoughts.

(2) We need to teach our children that for much of life, there are no do-overs.

I’m an avid computer gamer. I love all kinds of board games and with computer graphics, playing games takes on a whole new level. You can live fantasy lives, build cities (my favorite is building roller coasters that, in real life, I would be terrified to ride), run races, even fly airplanes and space ships! And of course, the amazing thing about computer gaming is that even if the game lets you "die," you are instantly reborn to try again.

Many of our kids spend a lot of time playing computer games. And so, our kids play games where they can "die" and they come back to life to start again. How do I know this? Because, during their free time, your kids play those kinds of games on my computers at school.

When it comes to games, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with allowing someone to "get killed and start over." But our children need to know that there aren’t usually do-overs in life. Once we mess up, instead of being able to start over, we have to deal with the consequences of our mess. Often those consequences touch the lives of those around us and we have ended up, even unintentionally, hurting others.

The fact is, do-overs are great for gaming, but life isn’t a game. Our children often don’t understand the difference. Most of my school kids believe that everything they see on television is true; so do many of their parents! We can’t assume that maturity will somehow sort out the differences for our children. We need to teach them the difference between fantasy and reality, the difference between a do-over in a game and being stuck with the consequences of real life. I learned being stuck with consequences very early in my life.

My mom had a drawer full of beautiful scarves. She would often let me play with them at home. I loved all the colors and designs. A number of scarves had stories behind them that Mom would share with me. One scarf in particular fascinated me. It was a map of the United States. Mom had explained to me that she probably could never find another like it and that I needed to be careful with it.

One day when I was in the car with my family, I had that scarf. I took it and held it out the window, watching it fluttering in the wind as the car went down the street. Mom warned me that doing that wasn’t a good idea, but I kept on. Suddenly the scarf was pulled out of my little hand and was gone! For whatever reason, we couldn’t stop and go look for it. I was devastated because I knew I had lost one of my mom’s favorite scarves. There was no do-over!

Parents often try to soften the consequences of childish decisions. The mother of the boy with the knife was perhaps doing that when she was trying to "explain away" his actions. I would have been more convinced that she loved him if she had taken a much harder stance and identified with his terrified victim. That boy doesn’t need his actions excused away; he needs to understand that he crossed a line, a line that should never have even been approached. He didn’t just have a knife at school and show it to kids; he threatened another student with it. He threatened to cut her to the point she would need stitches! This boy doesn’t need to be defended; he needs to be taught that he can’t behave like that . . . ever . . . again! It wasn’t kid stuff. It wasn’t a dumb thing. It was a serious threat! This boy needs to learn that he has terrorized that little girl to the point where she is afraid to come to school, where the family is afraid they may all be harmed. He needs to understand that he can’t take this back or get a do-over. His actions have consequences and some of those consequences cannot be undone.

Life doesn’t offer do-overs. Our kids need to know that.

(3) We need to teach our children that there is no such thing as an excuse for age, immaturity or ignorance.

Children need to be given limits at a very early age and then taught that they cannot cross those limits, regardless of the situation. Why? Because children lack the wisdom of experience to make good choices. They make choices based on their lusts. "I want this." It feels good; it tastes good; it will attract attention.

I have children come to school in the snow without jackets because they were more concerned about watching television before school than getting ready. Is that a wise decision? Of course not, but it’s predictable since a child can only make a decision based on the indulgence of the moment. They don’t know how to self-discipline or self-sacrifice; those are skills they have to be taught. (In fact, many adults I know don’t know how to self-discipline or self-sacrifice.)

We often excuse self-indulgent and lustful decisions as being due to age and there is some validity in that! Paul tells us that wisdom is discussed with those who are mature: "We speak wisdom among those who are mature" (1 Corinthians 2:6 NKJV). One can have an amount of spiritual maturity at a young age, but most of us require a number of years of living, of falling down and getting back up again, of failing and trying again, before we even begin to reach maturity.

But just because one isn’t mature isn’t an excuse for stupid stuff! God gave us parents for a reason and that is because the immature shouldn’t be making decisions, and if they are, those decisions should be make within very strict limitations. That being said, it’s wrong for us to use immaturity or youth to excuse harmful behavior. There is no such thing as "it was just kids being kids" that can excuse the kinds of insanity that our children are allowed to do to each other. Children prior to the teen-age years do not self-regulate well. They usually don’t learn from their mistakes.

"Eight-year-olds learn primarily from positive feedback ('Well done!'), whereas negative feedback ('Got it wrong this time') scarcely causes any alarm bells to ring. Twelve-year-olds are better able to process negative feedback, and use it to learn from their mistakes." (http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/09/080925104309.htm)

This study is based on finding an "average" among a number of test subjects. That means that there are even twelve-year-olds who cannot process negative feedback. We need to wisely know our child in order to know if they are truly able to handle learning from their mistakes.

For the most part, if children get away with one thing, they will try something more daring the next time. Even if they get caught, they will often continue to try something that reaches beyond what they did before. (This is even true for many adults). They need wise parents to teach them that there may be some things they do where the consequences could be life changing!

As I was growing up, my mom continually taught me to cherish the things I had, even the most trivial toy, because if something was lost or broken, there wasn’t enough money to replace it. I didn’t know at the time how real that lesson was to my mom. When she was a child, her parents divorced. My grandmother had made a hasty decision as a young teen to marry a man who she didn’t know well, a man who swept her off her feet, but a man whose temper was as yet unknown to her. Ten years later, after suffering years of abuse, my grandmother—during a time when divorce was not common—divorced her husband and fled with her 9-year-old daughter, my mom. Without the resources to find shelter, my grandmother and mom moved in with relatives, relatives who themselves had a very small house. Because of that, my grandmother and mom could only have one small suitcase between them for all their worldly possessions. My mom had to give up all of her toys and dolls, including a beautiful Shirley Temple doll that she greatly cherished. My grandmother’s decision to marry without thought created consequences that were life changing for herself and her young daughter. It doesn’t matter that my grandmother was a teen and that teens make stupid decisions. The consequences were nevertheless very real and very severe.

Our children need to be taught, very early on, that life is unforgiving. We, as those who love them, may always forgive them as does the Lord, but there may still be consequences that are hard to face and yet must be. Children must be guided to learn to make decisions based on facing the consequences so that they can learn to make wiser decisions. We shouldn’t have to excuse behavior due to youth.


(4) We need to stop teaching our children that failure is never bad.

Failure isn’t bad . . . sometimes. Thomas Edison is often heralded as an example of not giving up due to failure. When inventing the lightbulb, Edison continued to try:

"When it didn't work the first time, Edison made a note of exactly what he'd done and what components he had used. Then he made an adjustment to the experiment and tried again. And when that "failed" he made a note of that, readjusted and tried again. He kept learning from every experiment. He learned all the ways that it wouldn't work. He discovered all the chemicals and elements that wouldn't work. And each time he found a way that wouldn't work, he knew he was closer to finding a way that would work.

It took him approximately 10,000 experiments to invent the perfect set-up for the electric light bulb. There was a lot of learning to go through. Nobody had done it before. He couldn't read a book about it. He simply had to plug away, failing and learning, until he and his muckers worked out the right way to do it." (http://www.wilywalnut.com/Fail-Fast-Success-Failure-Wonderful-Edison.html).

The thing is, this idea—that failure can be the precursor to success—isn’t a universal truth. In other words, it works sometimes and sometimes it doesn’t! Failure only works as a precursor to success when the consequences of failure aren’t such that they prevent another try. What if Edison, in trying to invent the light bulb, had succeeded in electrocuting himself? He wouldn’t have been held up in esteem as the great inventor who failed 10,000 times only to succeed the 10,001! He would have, instead, died in obscurity.

With the advent of the Common Core in public schools, we are now told, as teachers, to encourage our students to fail. I totally understand the logic behind this and applaud this wisdom in certain circumstances! However, like most governmental mandates, it seems to be an all-or-nothing proposition.

The fact is, we need to stop teaching our children that failure is never bad and teach them what scripture says, that we are fallible human beings whom God loves and whom He will forgive if we accept His salvation. We need to teach them to follow His will with that will being the path of success. We need to teach them that earthly success is meaningless if we fail to please God.

We also need to teach them that there are many instances where failure will bring serious consequences. Failure to obey the laws of the land may result in being thrown in jail. Failure to respect others may result in loss of relationship. Failure to obey authority may result in loss of jobs. There are many failures that have serious and life-changing consequences. But if we teach our children to follow the Lord Jesus, they won’t ever need to be afraid of failure because His way is life. It’s always life!

© 2015 Robin L. O’Hare. All Rights Reserved. Permission granted for nonprofit and church groups to use this article in its entirety (including this notice). For other uses, please contact servinggodalone@yahoo.com.